In looking over our blog today, I realized that it has been a month since I posted last. My apologies for this. Our lives have been very busy with work, home, family, friends, and the whirlwind of emotions that goes with all of those things. The good and the bad, the happy and the sad that accompanies life.
So, it is May 23 now and H is in bed and J is out of town for the night and I find myself sitting alone getting ready to head into the kitchen to make food for tomorrow for H, and I feel lonely.
Ever since H entered our lives the world has changed, it has gotten bigger in some ways and smaller in other ways and always fuller than it ever has been before. Most of the time I have too much to do to think about how I feel about anything, but then there are these moments, such as now, in which I find myself catching up with myself and it feels like I have been running too long and too fast and didn't notice and now can't catch my breath. And in those moments of breathlessness I can feel any number of emotions, joy, awe, worry, sadness, etc. But tonight the feeling I have is loneliness.
As with all emotions I try to give them their space and not rush them out or push them down. So tonight I will try to sit with my loneliness and not let it scare me. I will invite it to spend the evening with me as I get my tasks done before tomorrow. We will have a glass of wine together and chat. Loneliness will listen patiently as I bring up all of those things which make me feel lonesome and overwhelmed right now. And as we hang out in the kitchen, L and I, the baking and cleaning will feel good and I will reassure myself that it is ok to feel lonely at times. And then I will brush my teeth, get into bed, and rest before tomorrow.